Trying to fix ourselves

Lately I’ve been feeling tired and cranky and frustrated and overwhelmed and then the other day I suddenly realized what was making me feel that way. I want to please Jesus so much that I often have a tendency to mentally make lists for myself of what I should and shouldn’t do and how I can improve myself.

I tell myself that I need to do this more, do that less, be more like this, and be less like that. And on and on and on until I'm drowning in a sea of unmet expectations of perfection. When I see a Godly Christian woman or hear a sermon about the apostle Paul I think, "I want to be like that." When I look at Jesus I think, “I want to be like that.” And so I try and I try and I try. I determine that I will try really hard and put my best effort in to become the person that I want to be. It becomes, memorize this, read that, listen to this. And while all of those are good things to do, we can't let it become a routine instead of a relationship. 

I like to try to fix myself. But I cant. I can't fix myself. I'm just a human who fails and falls short everyday. Jesus says to me that I don't have to work harder. He tells me to stop striving so hard and just rest in His grace and peace.

He tells me that I can stop trying to be perfect once I realize that I am already loved perfectly.

 I struggle with the lie that I have to prove myself worthy of His love. The truth? I'm not worthy of His love but He loves me anyway and refuses to let me work for it.

A truth that He has revealed to me that I find so beautiful and I hold onto everyday is this: Although I am not fixed, I am loved.

Sanctification doesn't happen by us trying really hard to make ourselves more like Jesus. Sanctification happens when we take all of our junk, all of the pieces where we don't measure up and bring them to the foot of the cross. When we confess to God that we are not yet what we would like to be and ask for His help to change.

Healing begins when we drop our disappointments and unmet expectations at Jesus' feet and refuse to pick them up again.

Healing begins when we acknowledge that we cannot fix ourselves.

They way we become more like Jesus is by abiding in His love and cultivating intimacy with Him. And the way that the intimacy is cultivated will include all of the routine things such as bible reading, prayer, and meditation, but our motives will be different. No longer are our motives to try to fix ourselves, but instead our deepest longing is to be more closely connected to God. Our desire for those things will come out of the overflow of a heart that is saturated in intimacy with God.

It's not wrong to desperately want to be more kind and honest and loving and merciful. But we get ourselves in trouble when we try to do the work on our own. That’s when our relationship with God starts to feel dry and lifeless.

No longer am I going to start my day willing myself to be more loving and patient and then being overcome with frustration and defeat when I fail at being competent all on my own. Instead I am going to start my day by making time to fall more deeply in love with Jesus and let His kindness, goodness, and love flow through me.

I think I'm overdue on some time abiding in Jesus' love, how about you?