Learning to surrender all

Without fail, whenever I hear the song, “I surrender all” tears spring to my eyes. 

This song reminds me of a little ten year old girl standing in the sanctuary of Calvary Philadelphia week after week hearing that same melody softly start to play as the pastor began an alter call. My knees shook and my fingers tightly gripped the wooden bench in front of me. 

I stood torn between longing to walk down that long aisle and surrender all to a God that the pastor said loved me and my fear that this God wasn’t looking for someone like me. 

Looking around I saw people crying and others making that long walk and I wished desperately that I could have what they had found but I didn’t know how. But something about that song reached in and grabbed my heart and gave a mighty tug. 

Every single week that tug came and it only seemed to get stronger. But my fears and my doubts and my misconceptions about who He was convinced me to shove that tug away and pretend that I didn’t feel it. When in reality I had never felt anything more deeply. 

I'm giving You my heart, all that is within, I lay it all down, for the sake of You my King.

I'm giving You my dreams, laying down my rights I'm giving up my pride, for the promise of new life

When my dad asked how I liked the service I would shrug, not knowing how to explain the battle that happened inside my heart every week. Whenever I went to church when I was young the service bored me and I would be half asleep, having not heard a word the pastor said. But as soon as the worship leader started to play that song my heart would suddenly start racing.

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross and all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss

For the sake of knowing You, for the glory of Your name, to know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

When I heard that line, "I'm waiting at the cross," I always pictured Jesus waiting beside the cross, waiting for me to come. I wish I had come sooner.

 I know now that tug was God pursuing me and pulling me towards Him. He gave me a choice. To walk towards Him or to walk away from Him. But I didn’t know Him, I didn’t know He was good and safe and kind and loving. I’m sure I was told all of those things but my heart wasn’t ready to believe it. And so I chose to go my own way. But He waited. 

And while He waited He kept pursuing me. I remember being in the car with my dad and a christian song would come on the radio. With panic I recognized that little tug, and, heart racing, I quickly changed the station.

I thought, "Don't believe there's a God who loves you and who wants to save you and make you new. Don't get your hopes up." 

And so He waited some more.

And sitting on the floor of a young life camp some eight years later a song started playing and I felt that tug again. Except this time I was ready. Living life my way for all those years had brought me to a place of emptiness where all I had left to hope in was Him. 

I still didn’t have any answers and I was still just as confused and hurt as I was when I was ten. I still wasn’t entirely convinced that He was good and safe and kind and loving but I knew that I had to find out for myself.

 By that time I knew enough to realize that nothing could save me but Him. I still didn’t know what it meant to surrender, all I knew was to cling to Jesus for dear life.

 Last night I laid in bed listening to music as I tried to fall asleep. And our song came on. And I felt that tug. That tug that says, “Move closer, come near, I’m waiting.” And all I can do is say thank you. I think of that little girl and I say, "Thank you Jesus, thank you for waiting for me. And thank you Jesus because for twenty two years (whether I knew it or not) you never left my side."

And I surrender all to You, all to You
And I surrender all to You, all to You

God blessed the broken road

I used to really dislike the song, “God Blessed the Broken Road.” I just thought it was stupid and corny…but NOW I love it. Well, its starting to grow on me. I listened to a bible teacher talking about that song and relating it to their walk with Jesus and something just hit me! In my head usually things make sense but it takes a while longer for my heart to catch up. While listening to the teacher talk about the song in that way, my heart suddenly caught up.

Suddenly, things that seemed to be so important before, didn’t even matter anymore. God frequently completely flip flops my perspective on things and it rocks my world. It takes me days to comprehend what He is showing me, and to try to wrap my mind around how awesome He is.

Before I had always thought of the song lyrics as a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but thinking about Jesus instead really opened my eyes to things I had never seen before.

Every long lost dream led me to where you are, others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars, pointing me on my way into your loving arms

Everything seems different when you stop saying to the people who have hurt you in the past, “That was a horrible thing to do, I expect an apology,” and say instead, “It doesn’t matter anymore, thanks for pointing me to Jesus.”

That person I thought was such a problem, well maybe they were just a part of the process. Things from your past sure look different when you stop feeling forever regretful about them and start looking at them instead as a gift.

 

                                                    

I think about the years I've spent, just passing through, I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you. But you just smile and take my hand, You've been there, you understand, it's all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

Sometimes I think about the time before I accepted Jesus and I regret that I wasted so much time trying to find happiness and love and purpose when He was right there waiting for me the whole time. But I’m realizing that thinking about the past takes all the joy out of the present.

Life really is just a journey, with bumps and curves and turns and even some potholes. Imagine taking a really long journey and along the way you get a flat tire. And after a while you get if fixed and continue on the road. But all along the road you are still upset thinking about the flat tire and complaining that the whole trip was ruined.

That’s ridiculous right? But I think that’s what we do in life sometimes, at least I do. I keep holding onto things that happened and are over. Things that shouldn’t matter anymore because they’re over. So that’s what Jesus really said to me through that song. He said, ’Katie life is a journey! There aren’t certain moments that define the whole trip! Its all just a long road leading you to your savior.”

EVERY experience in my life LED me to Jesus, led me to my savior. If I hadn’t had the life that I did I don’t know if I would be with Jesus right now. And if I did accept Jesus, I don’t know if I would be as close to Him.

This much I know is true, that god blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

I know its true that God has blessed my life, all the good and all the bad. He has blessed my journey and He is using everything and turning it into good.

I have also found that when you stop holding onto things that don’t matter, you have a lot more time for things that actually do matter. It is the most freeing feeling.

Its one thing to acknowledge with your head that things happen and are over and need to be let go of. Its another thing entirely to have that sink into your heart and really get it. I thank God every day that I finally get it. That I have been set free and have been given from God a peace that literally passes ALL understanding.

One night I sat in my car thinking about my life before Christ and my life now and I was grasping for understanding. My life has done a one hundred percent turn in the opposite direction. And sitting in my car I couldn’t wrap my mind around the miracle that God had performed. I was as shocked as if I had seen a lame man walk or a blind man see for the first time. I just over and over again, “God how did you do that? Thank you so much.”

Three and a half years ago I came to Jesus with empty hands. I came absolutely broken. I came to Jesus with absolutely nothing. I was so empty. Now I look in the past and I see a broken road leading me straight to Jesus. I look in the future and I see endless hope and I look around me and I look within me and I am anything but empty. I am full in joy, peace, and love. I have been blessed in so many ways I cant count them all. Jesus has filled me overflowing

Listen to this song and if, like me, you don’t really like it, throw those negative thoughts about it out for the window for a couple of minutes. Think of every lyric of this song in context to Jesus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai8904MzY9o