Embracing our stories

It’s amazing how I have such peace with my life. It’s kind of a miracle actually.

I have so much peace with every single step I have walked along this journey. I have peace because I know that my life is safe in God’s hands.

My view of my life is so incredibly limited. I can’t see the whole picture; all I can see is my tiny worldview. So I must trust in the one who CAN see the whole picture. I must trust in the one’s who’s definition of the word, ‘safe,’ is SO much better than mine.

I recently heard people talking about what they would change about their lives if they could go back and do it all over again. And when I first thought about it, there came to mind some obvious things that I would rather smudge out of my personal history.

But when you start erasing things, everything else is affected. If anything were changed or removed, I’m not sure who or where I would be right now. Would I still feel such a desperate need for Jesus coursing through my veins or would my life be defined by complacency?

In my life I have made a lot of mistakes and have gone through things that were painful that I wish hadn’t happened.  But God, in His perfect wisdom, allowed those things to happen so I know that there must be a reason for them. God wont allow us to go through painful things without having a plan or purpose for them.

Whatever He allows, I’m okay with because I am completely assured of His goodness. I am completely satisfied in the sweetness of intimacy with Him I have right now that I wouldn’t dare change a thing. 

So I will trust Him. I am confident that He doesn’t let anything go to waste. I trust Him with my life, even the hard parts, even the messy, uncomfortable, painful parts. Because He is good and loves me and this is the life He gave me.

I find peace knowing that this hasn’t just been MY journey, its been OUR journey. Me and God. He has walked every single step of this journey with me and has never for a second let go of my hand.

My God is weaving a beautiful story with my broken pieces. I wouldn’t change anything because I know my God is using everything. Our God is a powerful redeemer.

 My story is beautiful because it is not really about me at all.

My story is about a God who relentlessly pursues.

My story is about a God who heals hurting hearts with the strength of His love.

My story is about a God who takes what was meant for evil and instead brings good.
My story is about a God who creates beautiful redemption out of ashes.

My story is about a God who can bring hope to the most hopeless situations.

My story is about a God who can soften the hardest, most bitter, and well-guarded heart.

If my life, with all the parts I’m tempted to change, brings God the most glory, then that’s the life that I’m content to stick with.

I’m learning to embrace the joy that God has given me in the life that He has given me. Every difficult situation is another opportunity to see God’s power displayed.

I feel like its human nature to want to smooth out the bumpy areas of our lives and to want to smudge out the ugly, broken parts. But God works best in the bumpy, broken parts.

Instead of pretending that we have lived perfect, lovely lives, why don’t we instead be honest about how God has transformed our messes into something that will bring glory to His name?

Why don’t we be honest about our lives and invite others to do the same? Instead of hiding our brokenness, why don’t we invite others into the journey with us? Why don’t we live this life together, embracing our stories and rejoicing at how God takes broken things and makes them beautiful?

He has been abundantly faithful, I have been abundantly blessed. I wouldn’t change a thing.

To give your life away

When God shows up, things happen, when God meets you, things change.

I used to dream in shades of self-protection. I used to dream of a white picket fence and a safe little home and community.

I used to dream of making MY life the very best it could be. All of my concerns were about MY safety, MY comfort, MY desires. In a lot of ways this is how we as Americans are taught to live, with a self-focus.

It isn’t wrong to want those things; it only becomes a problem when you refuse to accept from God anything other than those things. To make demands of God and get grumpy when He fails to deliver in the way that you think He should. I still have those dreams but now I’m making room for some new ones too. I’m becoming okay with my plan not happening the way I want it to.

Its not that I won't still have a family and a house in suburbia. Maybe I will, but for the first time I'm okay with not having that.

I'm unclenching my fists.

 Now I am okay if God has a different plan for me. This wasn't an easy thing to come to; I wrestled with God until I couldn't wrestle anymore. I know that whatever His plan is, it is SO much better than anything I can think up.

I no longer have a death grip on my dreams; the only thing I want to have a death grip on is Jesus.

Before, I only determined to keep myself happy and desensitized to pain but now I long to dive into the wreckage with others and bring them the hope that is Jesus. Whether that be in Cambodia or in a counseling office in the United States, there is pain and need and wreckage everywhere. I'm waiting to hear where He wants to send me or keep me. 

Its not that I won't come back, I just want to go. For a week, a month, a year, whatever He wants.

For the longest time I was too afraid to go anywhere outside of my safe little bubble. What a sad life that is.

Now I dream of Haitian slums, Belizean safe houses, and Cambodian orphanages.

Now I dream of giving my life away.

And that’s all God. Because on my own I am so far from wanting any of those things.

When God shows up and meets you, things change, you change. He met me and I know I will never ever be the same.

I am so thankful, so thankful that He loves me the way I am but won't leave me there.

I have to trust that God will be with me wherever I go and that HE IS ENOUGH. Just Him is enough. He invites me to let His words have the final say. He invites me to a new way of loving that I had never known before. A love that is brave and that when met with opposition loves back even harder and more persistently. The same way that He loves me.

Unclench your fists; He has such beautiful things to drop in your hands.

Matthew 13:44

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field