To give your life away

When God shows up, things happen, when God meets you, things change.

I used to dream in shades of self-protection. I used to dream of a white picket fence and a safe little home and community.

I used to dream of making MY life the very best it could be. All of my concerns were about MY safety, MY comfort, MY desires. In a lot of ways this is how we as Americans are taught to live, with a self-focus.

It isn’t wrong to want those things; it only becomes a problem when you refuse to accept from God anything other than those things. To make demands of God and get grumpy when He fails to deliver in the way that you think He should. I still have those dreams but now I’m making room for some new ones too. I’m becoming okay with my plan not happening the way I want it to.

Its not that I won't still have a family and a house in suburbia. Maybe I will, but for the first time I'm okay with not having that.

I'm unclenching my fists.

 Now I am okay if God has a different plan for me. This wasn't an easy thing to come to; I wrestled with God until I couldn't wrestle anymore. I know that whatever His plan is, it is SO much better than anything I can think up.

I no longer have a death grip on my dreams; the only thing I want to have a death grip on is Jesus.

Before, I only determined to keep myself happy and desensitized to pain but now I long to dive into the wreckage with others and bring them the hope that is Jesus. Whether that be in Cambodia or in a counseling office in the United States, there is pain and need and wreckage everywhere. I'm waiting to hear where He wants to send me or keep me. 

Its not that I won't come back, I just want to go. For a week, a month, a year, whatever He wants.

For the longest time I was too afraid to go anywhere outside of my safe little bubble. What a sad life that is.

Now I dream of Haitian slums, Belizean safe houses, and Cambodian orphanages.

Now I dream of giving my life away.

And that’s all God. Because on my own I am so far from wanting any of those things.

When God shows up and meets you, things change, you change. He met me and I know I will never ever be the same.

I am so thankful, so thankful that He loves me the way I am but won't leave me there.

I have to trust that God will be with me wherever I go and that HE IS ENOUGH. Just Him is enough. He invites me to let His words have the final say. He invites me to a new way of loving that I had never known before. A love that is brave and that when met with opposition loves back even harder and more persistently. The same way that He loves me.

Unclench your fists; He has such beautiful things to drop in your hands.

Matthew 13:44

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field

God's word is a lamp, NOT a floodlight!

I love bible study. Reading the bible, laughing, and having a good time with others who love Jesus as much as I do makes me so happy. At bible study a couple of weeks ago my pastor said something that really stuck with me.

He said, “Gods word is a lamp unto our feet, but its not a floodlight.”

And those words just hit me. And you know what? I would really appreciate a floodlight. I don’t like the dark, I don’t like anything about it. You cant see anything, don’t know where you are or where your going, you don’t know what’s going to happen next, and you have no control over anything. And yet, a lot of the time in regard to what God wants me to do, I feel like I’m in the dark.

And I know that I need to patiently wait for God to, in his perfect timing, lead me in the way that the wants me to go. But I am so not a patient person. At first I’m fine but then I start getting anxious and thinking, “Okay God, that whole waiting this was fine for a while but now I would really like to move on. Any day now.”

The other thing is, when God does finally lead you into the light.

There have been times when God has made it clear to me that He wants me to do something and I’m not interested AT ALL. So I stall and make excuses and sometimes just refuse.

But its like I can hear God saying, “Listen Katie, we both know that in the end my will is going to be done. So you can just keep fighting me or you can surrender to what I know is truly the best thing for you.”

Its unfortunate that it always takes so long for me to get to the surrender part, especially since after I surrender I always find freedom and joy and peace.

The funny thing is that you sometimes realize Gods plan is not what you thought it would be. Suddenly seeing God’s plan for your life all laid out is terrifying. Its scary because, you don’t want to do that, its too hard, or demanding, or painful, or just not what you had envisioned for yourself. But I know that if I’m not on board with God’s plan, then the only plan I have left is my own. And that is scarier than anything, because I have no idea what I’m doing.

I know that no matter how many loops God throws me for, when I leave my life in his hands, I am always going to be okay. Entrusting myself to him will never lead to disappointment or regret.

I guess at this time in my life I need to be asking God for patience. Its like Jesus is leading me through a pitch dark room. In frustration and fear I call out to him, “Jesus, I cant see where I’m going!” And in his calm, soothing voice I hear, “That’s okay, I’ve got you. I’m never going to let go of your hand, just let me guide you. You don’t need to know where you going because I do. And I am never going to let you go.”

Now, if anyone else said these words to me I’m not sure I would believe them. But this is Jesus. And I KNOW Him. We’ve been together for a while now, well He was always with me but its only been three years since I finally stopped fighting Him and really started living. I have walked with Him closely for three years and I KNOW Him.

He has proven Himself reliable, trustworthy, and the very definition of what I have come to know as love. He has been my constant. He has been my strong tower against the storm. He has been a warm embrace, a place of safety. When I feel like no one in the entire world understands, I know that HE DOES. He understands and he cares and He will NEVER stop caring.

And so because I know Him like this, I know that I can trust His word. And I trust His word when it says in Psalm 139:7-12

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

I couldn’t get away from God if I tried, and believe me, there have been times in the past when I have tried. So it really doesn’t matter if I don’t know where I’m going because no matter where I end up, I know that God will be with me. I don’t need a floodlight, because the presence of God in my life lights up the darkness.

Song Recommendation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1p-QfgkLow