Choosing to believe truth

I am so thankful for women in my life who speak truth to me. I am so thankful for a God who constantly showers me in truth. I am a huge feeler who feels things very deeply so it’s easy for me to get carried away with the way I am feeling even if its irrational or untrue. I need people to remind me and to ground me.

The Lord used something amazing to speak to me. I was thinking about a couple of people that I minister to and I was frustrated and thought, “I can tell you about Jesus until I’m blue in the face but ultimately you have to make a choice and I cant make it for you.” No matter how badly I desire for these people to know truth, I can’t force them to.

And I heard God speak these words to me, “Kaitlyn, those are the very same words that I’m speaking to you. I can speak words of truth over you but at some point you have to choose whether or not to believe them. At some point you have to decide that you are going to believe what I’ve said about you, about who I am, and about how I love you.” And If I desire so much for those I love to know and live out truth, how much more does my Father in Heaven desire that I live out of a place of truth and not of emotion?

In life it’s not about what you may feel or not feel at the moment, it’s about making a choice. No one else can make it for you. Others can preach to you, remind you, and encourage you, but only you can decide to live based on truth. You are the one who has to surrender your will. You are the only who has to die to self again and again and again. You are the one who gets to decide that you will live in victory and not defeat.

God has made me someone who feels things deeply and is sensitive and emotional and perceptive. Sometimes I dislike this about myself but I see how God uses these parts of me to make me more compassionate and that He is going to use this in my ministry as a counselor.

But the devil also knows about this part of me. And one of the things he does to trip me up is to make me think that the way that I’m feeling is truth, even if it’s not. This can be damaging because it sows discouragement, insecurity, and indecisiveness.  

I’m not saying emotions are bad, emotions are good things but we need to carefully hold them up to the word of God and see whether or not they are true. We need to not RELY on them, but we need to rely on God’s truth. If the way I am feeling is based off of a lie that the enemy just fed me, then I am not living in a place of freedom and truth. The devil sows discouragement, condemnation, and all sorts of ugly lies. I refuse to let his lies dictate how I feel.

Living based on how you are feeling is not only deceptive it is incredibly exhausting. And I’m too exhausted to do this for even one more day. Tomorrow I am going to get up early and let my knees hit the floor. And if my selfish flesh that wants another hour of sleep wins out, I’m going to get up the next morning and try again. Satan lies and says, “You couldn’t do it yesterday, what makes you think you can do it today? You’ll never be able to do it.” And pretty soon we have given up trying entirely. 

But I’m not going to try out of my own strength because I have seen that fail too many times. I am going to ask God for His supernatural power to wake up because I am confident that His power in me can do that which I am not capable of on my own. I am realizing that pride comes from basing outcomes on my ability or inability. The place of return is the cross of Christ, not a commitment to try harder.

I need to focus more on God and what He can do through me instead of what I can or cannot do. He must become greater and I must become lesser.

I appreciate so much that even though the way we feel changes rapidly, God’s truth never changes. In a whirlwind of emotion, He is the one steady, solid rock that always brings clarity and peace.

I am choosing to declare that what God says is true even if I might not always feel like believing it. I am choosing to believe that He loves me and has good plans for my life. I am choosing to believe that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I am choosing to believe that His grace is sufficient for my weakness.

I am choosing to believe truth.

Is He Really Enough?

Lately I’ve been grumbling in discontent. Like the Israelites grumbling in the desert, I too am grumbling for things God isn’t giving me. Like a five year old, sometimes I find myself thinking, “God, why are you being so mean? You know how much I want these things, why aren’t you giving them to me?”

And then in church they played this song,

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough 

And it stopped me cold. Because if I was being honest with myself, truly, completely honest, I haven’t been acting like He is enough for me. In fact, somewhere deep down I haven’t been feeling like he’s enough. I’ve been looking around instead of looking up.

Instead of being thankful, I’ve been bitter.

Do I really live like He is enough for EVERY need, am I COMPLETELY satisfied?

On my own I’m never satisfied and I always want more of what I don’t have and what I think I need. What I think I deserve. What I think will make me happy.

But like a father, He lovingly calls me back to Himself and says, “Come back, come back and remember.”

‘Remember that your heart was made to find satisfaction in me and nothing else could ever possibly do.

Remember how I saved you, remember how I cleansed you and washed you and loved you and kept you.’

Remember how I led you and comforted you and carried you. Remember that I cherish you.

It’s when we stop remembering that we start grumbling.

Take my heart, I lay it down at the feet of you whose crowned
Take my life, I'm letting go

And I will worship You, Lord, Only You, Lord
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
Be all my delights, be my everything

Instead of proclaiming this during worship, I decide to sing it as a prayer. A prayer begging God to daily give me a heart that is wholly devoted to Him and satisfied in Him.

My heart wants so many other things but I am choosing to lay it down at Jesus’ feet. I am choosing to wrench my heart out of my clenched hands and give it to God. I want Him to have my entire heart

I will tell of the kindnesses of the Lord, the deeds for which he is to be praised,

according to all the Lord has done for us—according to his compassion and many kindnesses. He said, “Surely they are my people, children who will be true to me”; and so he became their Savior…In his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them. Isaiah 63

To be Known by God

Every moment we make a choice. We make a choice to either hide or to allow ourselves to be known.

It's scary to let God know us. It’s terrifying to invite Him to examine our hearts.

Of course He already knows every single thing about us but its so different to confess it ourselves. To confess, “This is who I am Lord, every part. Will you still have me?” 

And to hear Him say, “I know who you are. I know everything about you and I will never ever stop loving you.”

Such grace.

Being known by God develops intimacy with God. He knows how I’m feeling, me coming to Him with how I’m feeling is what matters.

Coming to Him and laying out every part of who you are, brings you to a deeper appreciation of the fact that He loves every part of who you are. When we don’t come to God with the hard things, its as if we are pretending those things don’t exist. We pretend that God only see’s the qualities in us that we would like Him to see.

When we bare our hearts before Him we come away assured that we are still unconditionally loved and accepted.

It’s beautiful to think, ‘Jesus knows the ugliness in my heart today and He loves me anyway. Jesus knows my bitterness today and loves me anyway. Jesus knows my selfishness today and loves me anyway.'

 

Think about it for a moment. God doesn't love you because He is obligated to. God loves you for who you are as a person. He loves you for everything that makes you, you. 

We do ourselves a great disservice when we hide from God. When we try to earn His approval by presenting Him with what we think He wants to see. More than anything? He just wants your, real, honest heart. He is the one who will accept and understand you in a way that no one else on this planet is able to.

Fear, insecurity, and shame are things that teach us to hide from God. Allowing your whole self to be known by God brings freedom, security, and joy in who God has made you to be. 

Knowing things about God and being known by God are two completely different things. One is simply head knowledge and one gives life. Its one thing to believe that God already knows you completely, its another thing to open up your heart, lay it all out there, and say, "Here I am God."

The other day I said, “Lord I trust you.” And I heard, “Yes, but are you daily entrusting yourself to me?”

So I realized I must now choose to entrust to God the knowledge of who I am, every single part of me, every single day, every single moment. 

Be brave enough to let him know you. Trust Him with who you are, who you aren’t, and who you hope to be.

Can we really be known by others until we have allowed ourselves to be fully known by God? Can we even know ourselves until we have allowed ourselves to be known by God?

It is a choice that we must make everyday. To not try to put on a show for God but to finally take off the mask and let Him see us. He is waiting to comfort us, waiting to heal us, if only we would turn to Him and be real. If only we would let ourselves be known.

Every moment we make a choice. We make a choice to either hide or to allow ourselves to be known. Today I choose to be known.

How sweet it is to Trust in Jesus

His faithfulness never fails to astound me. His goodness makes me want to throw my head back and laugh in happiness.

May these hallelujahs be multiplied

A year and a half ago God told me that I would go to Cairn University and become a counselor. I was hopeful, but doubts were creeping up in my mind.

Sophomore year of college I sat in my car crying because my GPA just missed the requirements to be an education major. I thought I wanted to be a teacher and suddenly that door had closed I felt like all my dreams were crushed. I didn’t understand what God was doing, I didn’t understand why He wasn’t giving me clear direction. All of my friends were confident about where their lives were going and I felt stuck and directionless.

I didn’t understand what God was doing, but He knew what He was doing. He had a beautiful plan for me.

I am so incredibly grateful that God didn't let me become an education major. I'm so glad that He didn't let me have my own way. Instead, because He is a good father, He lovingly steered me in the right direction. 

Looking back I see that God clearly spent a year developing my trust in Him. He only ever allowed me to see two steps ahead of me, while I’m the kind of person who likes to look a mile ahead. When family asked what my next steps and goals for the future were it panicked me a bit to have to say, “I’m not sure. God hasn’t showed me that far yet.”

He gave me tiny bits at a time.

I want you to help hurting people

A month later

 I want you to be a counselor

A month later

I want you to go to grad school

A month later

I want you to go to Cairn University

And I spent the whole year saying, “But God what about this? What about that?” I felt frustrated because I couldn't see where I was going. But He knew.

It seemed like an impossible situation. There were so many things I was unsure of, so many reasons to worry.

I had no choice but to trust. And as I began to trust I began to feel safe. For the first time, He was in the drivers seat and I wasn’t needlessly calling out directions from the backseat.

The Lord is so wise. He knew that the way to build my trust was carefully and slowly over that one year.  

I began to experience great joy as I let Him carry the weight while I simply rested in His will.

And now I see that He has led me exactly where He promised He would.

I know that I have read His promises over and over and I have heard His promises over and over.

But the other day these realizations hit me fresh and brand new all over again and left me crying like it was the very first time I had ever heard them.

He is good to me.

He loves me.

He is taking care of me.

He’s not going to leave me or abandon me

He has good plans for my life

Oh that I would always remember these sweet words.

I’m praying that Jesus would give me a heart that is always full to the brim with His truths. He knows that even though I know these truths, I constantly need them reinforced. And He promises that He will always be reminding me.

I’m so in awe of His faithfulness. So in awe of His trustworthiness. Every time I think I couldn’t possibly love Him anymore than I already do, He gives me one thousand more reasons to fall even more in love with Him. I’m content to spend the rest of my life falling more in love with Him.

I know that in the future doubts will try to wiggle their way back into my brain. So I am putting down a memorial stone right now. The next time I am tempted to despair I will look back and remember the Lord’s faithfulness to me, and how He kept His promise to me.

Numbers 23:19 God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?

Embracing our stories

It’s amazing how I have such peace with my life. It’s kind of a miracle actually.

I have so much peace with every single step I have walked along this journey. I have peace because I know that my life is safe in God’s hands.

My view of my life is so incredibly limited. I can’t see the whole picture; all I can see is my tiny worldview. So I must trust in the one who CAN see the whole picture. I must trust in the one’s who’s definition of the word, ‘safe,’ is SO much better than mine.

I recently heard people talking about what they would change about their lives if they could go back and do it all over again. And when I first thought about it, there came to mind some obvious things that I would rather smudge out of my personal history.

But when you start erasing things, everything else is affected. If anything were changed or removed, I’m not sure who or where I would be right now. Would I still feel such a desperate need for Jesus coursing through my veins or would my life be defined by complacency?

In my life I have made a lot of mistakes and have gone through things that were painful that I wish hadn’t happened.  But God, in His perfect wisdom, allowed those things to happen so I know that there must be a reason for them. God wont allow us to go through painful things without having a plan or purpose for them.

Whatever He allows, I’m okay with because I am completely assured of His goodness. I am completely satisfied in the sweetness of intimacy with Him I have right now that I wouldn’t dare change a thing. 

So I will trust Him. I am confident that He doesn’t let anything go to waste. I trust Him with my life, even the hard parts, even the messy, uncomfortable, painful parts. Because He is good and loves me and this is the life He gave me.

I find peace knowing that this hasn’t just been MY journey, its been OUR journey. Me and God. He has walked every single step of this journey with me and has never for a second let go of my hand.

My God is weaving a beautiful story with my broken pieces. I wouldn’t change anything because I know my God is using everything. Our God is a powerful redeemer.

 My story is beautiful because it is not really about me at all.

My story is about a God who relentlessly pursues.

My story is about a God who heals hurting hearts with the strength of His love.

My story is about a God who takes what was meant for evil and instead brings good.
My story is about a God who creates beautiful redemption out of ashes.

My story is about a God who can bring hope to the most hopeless situations.

My story is about a God who can soften the hardest, most bitter, and well-guarded heart.

If my life, with all the parts I’m tempted to change, brings God the most glory, then that’s the life that I’m content to stick with.

I’m learning to embrace the joy that God has given me in the life that He has given me. Every difficult situation is another opportunity to see God’s power displayed.

I feel like its human nature to want to smooth out the bumpy areas of our lives and to want to smudge out the ugly, broken parts. But God works best in the bumpy, broken parts.

Instead of pretending that we have lived perfect, lovely lives, why don’t we instead be honest about how God has transformed our messes into something that will bring glory to His name?

Why don’t we be honest about our lives and invite others to do the same? Instead of hiding our brokenness, why don’t we invite others into the journey with us? Why don’t we live this life together, embracing our stories and rejoicing at how God takes broken things and makes them beautiful?

He has been abundantly faithful, I have been abundantly blessed. I wouldn’t change a thing.

It Is Finished

Three days.

That is how long the disciples waited; probably feeling disappointed, confused, and crushed. Their savior was gone, just like that. How could the one they saw heal lepers and restore vision to the blind be killed and buried, just like any other man? Can you imagine the thrill of walking beside Jesus everyday and then suddenly, nothing? I feel for those disciples, because I know something they didn’t yet know. I know about the Sunday. I know what happened three days later.

 I have never had to wonder if Jesus will stay dead. But I do know of a hopelessness that comes from a life of running from God. I do feel Peters pain as he must have imagined how Jesus could possibly forgive him after he had fallen so far.


John 20:1 “Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance.”

I love how Mary Magdalene gets up while it is still dark out and goes to be with Jesus. She saw him crucified, she expects a body to be in that tomb, and yet she just needs to be near her savior. Even buried, He is her hope.

It reminds me in John 6 when Jesus asks the disciples if they too would leave and Peter replies, “Lord to whom shall we go?”

Even with Him supposedly dead, they had nowhere to be but with Jesus.

“Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying…. At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.
He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”
Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”
Jesus said to her, “Mary.”She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means “Teacher”).
Jesus said, “Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father.” 
 

Mary stood weeping because her Lord’s body was gone, the last thing that she had left of Him. I love that though Jesus knew why Mary was weeping, He asked her how she was feeling and why.

Jesus’ relationship with Mary was intimate and He called her by name. Isn’t it so true that all He has to do is say our name and we KNOW that it is our Lord? I imagine His eyes tender, full of love and compassion as He says her name. In the same way, the Lord calls me by my full name, “Kaitlyn,” and I feel safe and loved. 

I can relate to Mary when Jesus tells her not to hold onto Him. After watching Jesus crucified and finally having Him before me, I would not have been able to restrain myself from throwing my arms around Him and weeping.

Mary’s hope has returned.

Your hope and my hope has returned.

The tomb was empty, Jesus is alive.

Jesus’ words three days earlier on the cross, “It is finished,” had proven true that morning.

Three little words that change everything.

 Because of Jesus’ death on the cross we are FREED from the penalty of our sins. We are not only freed from the penalty of our sins, we are also freed from the POWER of our sin. And because He rose again three days later, hopelessness is finished. Our guilt, our shame, it is finished.

Never again will we wait three days for our savior. He is here now. Death has been defeated. Chains and bondage and consequences of our sins and sins committed against us, THEY.ARE.FINISHED.

Jesus won us victory on the cross. How often do we not walk in that victory?

When He said, “It is finished,” He meant for you to drop all of the things you are trying to finish, to fix, and all of the ways you are trying to save yourself. Drop them all at the foot of the cross where He finished it for you. All of your burdens, everything you are carrying, they are finished. Lay them down.