How sweet it is to Trust in Jesus

His faithfulness never fails to astound me. His goodness makes me want to throw my head back and laugh in happiness.

May these hallelujahs be multiplied

A year and a half ago God told me that I would go to Cairn University and become a counselor. I was hopeful, but doubts were creeping up in my mind.

Sophomore year of college I sat in my car crying because my GPA just missed the requirements to be an education major. I thought I wanted to be a teacher and suddenly that door had closed I felt like all my dreams were crushed. I didn’t understand what God was doing, I didn’t understand why He wasn’t giving me clear direction. All of my friends were confident about where their lives were going and I felt stuck and directionless.

I didn’t understand what God was doing, but He knew what He was doing. He had a beautiful plan for me.

I am so incredibly grateful that God didn't let me become an education major. I'm so glad that He didn't let me have my own way. Instead, because He is a good father, He lovingly steered me in the right direction. 

Looking back I see that God clearly spent a year developing my trust in Him. He only ever allowed me to see two steps ahead of me, while I’m the kind of person who likes to look a mile ahead. When family asked what my next steps and goals for the future were it panicked me a bit to have to say, “I’m not sure. God hasn’t showed me that far yet.”

He gave me tiny bits at a time.

I want you to help hurting people

A month later

 I want you to be a counselor

A month later

I want you to go to grad school

A month later

I want you to go to Cairn University

And I spent the whole year saying, “But God what about this? What about that?” I felt frustrated because I couldn't see where I was going. But He knew.

It seemed like an impossible situation. There were so many things I was unsure of, so many reasons to worry.

I had no choice but to trust. And as I began to trust I began to feel safe. For the first time, He was in the drivers seat and I wasn’t needlessly calling out directions from the backseat.

The Lord is so wise. He knew that the way to build my trust was carefully and slowly over that one year.  

I began to experience great joy as I let Him carry the weight while I simply rested in His will.

And now I see that He has led me exactly where He promised He would.

I know that I have read His promises over and over and I have heard His promises over and over.

But the other day these realizations hit me fresh and brand new all over again and left me crying like it was the very first time I had ever heard them.

He is good to me.

He loves me.

He is taking care of me.

He’s not going to leave me or abandon me

He has good plans for my life

Oh that I would always remember these sweet words.

I’m praying that Jesus would give me a heart that is always full to the brim with His truths. He knows that even though I know these truths, I constantly need them reinforced. And He promises that He will always be reminding me.

I’m so in awe of His faithfulness. So in awe of His trustworthiness. Every time I think I couldn’t possibly love Him anymore than I already do, He gives me one thousand more reasons to fall even more in love with Him. I’m content to spend the rest of my life falling more in love with Him.

I know that in the future doubts will try to wiggle their way back into my brain. So I am putting down a memorial stone right now. The next time I am tempted to despair I will look back and remember the Lord’s faithfulness to me, and how He kept His promise to me.

Numbers 23:19 God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?

Embracing our stories

It’s amazing how I have such peace with my life. It’s kind of a miracle actually.

I have so much peace with every single step I have walked along this journey. I have peace because I know that my life is safe in God’s hands.

My view of my life is so incredibly limited. I can’t see the whole picture; all I can see is my tiny worldview. So I must trust in the one who CAN see the whole picture. I must trust in the one’s who’s definition of the word, ‘safe,’ is SO much better than mine.

I recently heard people talking about what they would change about their lives if they could go back and do it all over again. And when I first thought about it, there came to mind some obvious things that I would rather smudge out of my personal history.

But when you start erasing things, everything else is affected. If anything were changed or removed, I’m not sure who or where I would be right now. Would I still feel such a desperate need for Jesus coursing through my veins or would my life be defined by complacency?

In my life I have made a lot of mistakes and have gone through things that were painful that I wish hadn’t happened.  But God, in His perfect wisdom, allowed those things to happen so I know that there must be a reason for them. God wont allow us to go through painful things without having a plan or purpose for them.

Whatever He allows, I’m okay with because I am completely assured of His goodness. I am completely satisfied in the sweetness of intimacy with Him I have right now that I wouldn’t dare change a thing. 

So I will trust Him. I am confident that He doesn’t let anything go to waste. I trust Him with my life, even the hard parts, even the messy, uncomfortable, painful parts. Because He is good and loves me and this is the life He gave me.

I find peace knowing that this hasn’t just been MY journey, its been OUR journey. Me and God. He has walked every single step of this journey with me and has never for a second let go of my hand.

My God is weaving a beautiful story with my broken pieces. I wouldn’t change anything because I know my God is using everything. Our God is a powerful redeemer.

 My story is beautiful because it is not really about me at all.

My story is about a God who relentlessly pursues.

My story is about a God who heals hurting hearts with the strength of His love.

My story is about a God who takes what was meant for evil and instead brings good.
My story is about a God who creates beautiful redemption out of ashes.

My story is about a God who can bring hope to the most hopeless situations.

My story is about a God who can soften the hardest, most bitter, and well-guarded heart.

If my life, with all the parts I’m tempted to change, brings God the most glory, then that’s the life that I’m content to stick with.

I’m learning to embrace the joy that God has given me in the life that He has given me. Every difficult situation is another opportunity to see God’s power displayed.

I feel like its human nature to want to smooth out the bumpy areas of our lives and to want to smudge out the ugly, broken parts. But God works best in the bumpy, broken parts.

Instead of pretending that we have lived perfect, lovely lives, why don’t we instead be honest about how God has transformed our messes into something that will bring glory to His name?

Why don’t we be honest about our lives and invite others to do the same? Instead of hiding our brokenness, why don’t we invite others into the journey with us? Why don’t we live this life together, embracing our stories and rejoicing at how God takes broken things and makes them beautiful?

He has been abundantly faithful, I have been abundantly blessed. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Trying to fix ourselves

Lately I’ve been feeling tired and cranky and frustrated and overwhelmed and then the other day I suddenly realized what was making me feel that way. I want to please Jesus so much that I often have a tendency to mentally make lists for myself of what I should and shouldn’t do and how I can improve myself.

I tell myself that I need to do this more, do that less, be more like this, and be less like that. And on and on and on until I'm drowning in a sea of unmet expectations of perfection. When I see a Godly Christian woman or hear a sermon about the apostle Paul I think, "I want to be like that." When I look at Jesus I think, “I want to be like that.” And so I try and I try and I try. I determine that I will try really hard and put my best effort in to become the person that I want to be. It becomes, memorize this, read that, listen to this. And while all of those are good things to do, we can't let it become a routine instead of a relationship. 

I like to try to fix myself. But I cant. I can't fix myself. I'm just a human who fails and falls short everyday. Jesus says to me that I don't have to work harder. He tells me to stop striving so hard and just rest in His grace and peace.

He tells me that I can stop trying to be perfect once I realize that I am already loved perfectly.

 I struggle with the lie that I have to prove myself worthy of His love. The truth? I'm not worthy of His love but He loves me anyway and refuses to let me work for it.

A truth that He has revealed to me that I find so beautiful and I hold onto everyday is this: Although I am not fixed, I am loved.

Sanctification doesn't happen by us trying really hard to make ourselves more like Jesus. Sanctification happens when we take all of our junk, all of the pieces where we don't measure up and bring them to the foot of the cross. When we confess to God that we are not yet what we would like to be and ask for His help to change.

Healing begins when we drop our disappointments and unmet expectations at Jesus' feet and refuse to pick them up again.

Healing begins when we acknowledge that we cannot fix ourselves.

They way we become more like Jesus is by abiding in His love and cultivating intimacy with Him. And the way that the intimacy is cultivated will include all of the routine things such as bible reading, prayer, and meditation, but our motives will be different. No longer are our motives to try to fix ourselves, but instead our deepest longing is to be more closely connected to God. Our desire for those things will come out of the overflow of a heart that is saturated in intimacy with God.

It's not wrong to desperately want to be more kind and honest and loving and merciful. But we get ourselves in trouble when we try to do the work on our own. That’s when our relationship with God starts to feel dry and lifeless.

No longer am I going to start my day willing myself to be more loving and patient and then being overcome with frustration and defeat when I fail at being competent all on my own. Instead I am going to start my day by making time to fall more deeply in love with Jesus and let His kindness, goodness, and love flow through me.

I think I'm overdue on some time abiding in Jesus' love, how about you? 

Feeling World Weary

The other night I was feeling tired. Not tired physically, I was feeling world weary. 

You know, those days when all that you see around you in the world is loss and brokenness and sin and your heart has just been weighed down too far. The kind of day that makes you ask, "God, where are you? Don't you care? Don't you see?" 

The days when you can't remember how to not take all the hurt of the world into yourself. Days when you hear stories of slavery and exploitation and abuse in faraway countries and your stomach drops and you grasp for some finite way to help and come up empty. When you long to reach out and embrace and comfort and speak words of truth, but your arms can't reach that far. 

Driving home a couple of nights ago I heard these words on the radio and they said everything I was feeling. This time your heart has had enough, sick and tired of everything that's so messed up.

Do you ever just get so tired of living in this world that has fallen so far? I recently heard the story of a little girl in Latin America who was abused. And I wish more than anything that I could tell her face to face of the infinite value and worth she has as God's precious daughter. I wish I could tell her that God made her for so much more than to be used to satisfy someone's selfish desires. 

God is so good to me. He is the ultimate comforter, my ultimate comforter. In moments like this He draws Himself closer so that we can grieve together in agreement. I so love that God never rushes me through sorrow or demands my joy. He gave me almost two days to feel sad before He greeted me with words of comfort and truth. 

A lot of times when we're sad we don't want people to try to comfort us or give us nice answers. We just want someone to be sad with us, and thats what God did for me. 

He most often ministers to me through music. Today He met me in a quiet place with a song whose words speak to my soul and reach my heart. 

I asked, "God where are you?" And He answered,
I am the Lord your God, I go before you now. 
I stand beside you, I'm all around you.
Though you feel I'm far away, I'm closer than your breath.
I am with you, more than you know

God asked me why I feel the need to carry the weight of the world when it is He who is my peace.

I am the Lord your peace, no evil will conquer you.
 Steady now your heart and mind, come into My rest. 
Oh, let your faith arise, lift up your weary head. 
I am with you wherever you go
. Don't look to the right or to the left but keep your eyes on Me. 
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved. I am the hand to hold

One  thing that spoke to me the most was the line, "Come into my rest." 

Don't we rush around trying to be everything, do everything, fix everything? We feel like we need all the answers. But God gently invites us to come away with Him to a quiet place. To come into His rest and experience His peace. 

Resting in His peace I feel like I can keep on loving in this crazy, messed up world. That I can start looking for the good in bad situations. That in depravity, I can look for reasons to be thankful. 

That doesn't mean my heart no longer feels the hurts of our world. It means that I can take all of that hurt to my heavenly Father whose arms DO reach far enough to wrap around the whole world. My God's arms wrap around the orphan and the widow, the hopeless and helpless, the broken, the lost, and afraid. I can take all of the hurt to my God who is in the process of redeeming everything. 

What is there in your life that is pulling you down? What is God asking you to bring to Him? 

God is my father

One thing that I love about God is that He is always exactly what I need Him to be whenever I need Him to be it. I was always kind of wary about the song, "Friend of God." I thought, 'Is that disrespectful? He is King of the universe, should I not give Him such a title as friend?' God is so many things, friend, father, lord, savior, that its hard for me sometimes to know how to act towards God. I don't want to make Him too small but I also don't want to think of Him as a big powerful God who has no concern for little Katie down here on earth. I mentioned that to someone and they said that God is whatever we need Him to be at the moment. And that just made so much sense to me. Sometimes I'm scared, and God is my fierce protector. Sometimes He is my gentle, loving dad. Sometimes He is the almighty counselor, and He always understands. Sometimes I'm anxious and He is my prince of peace.

Someone once told me that when we pray, we should first praise God, repent, ask for things, and then yield. So I was laying in bed and I couldn't sleep and I was worrying and thinking and sulking and I was just a mess. I decided to pray and so I first started by praising God, but my heart wasn't in it. My heart was hurting and I didn't feel like praising God. I know with absolute certainty that God is the king of kings, my savior, and a million other wonderful things. But at that moment, I just needed Him to be my dad. I just needed Him to be my friend. My comforter. And when I prayed and said, "I don't have any words right now, I just need you to be my dad," I felt an overwhelming peace and was so comforted.

Romans 8:14
For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba,Father.” 

I knew that God didn't want me to choke out half hearted praises. He wants me to be real. He knows my heart completely and He just wants me to pour out to Him everything that I'm feeling. I have found such a joy, such a comfort in being absolutely real with God. I struggle with being open and vulnerable and real with other people, its something I'm working on. But with God, being vulnerable with Him brings so much healing to me. It's better than anything in the world.

Its such a relief to not have to hide behind big words or eloquent prayers. I love talking to God as my father, because He is. Thinking about the fact that I have a perfect father who cares for me, always brings tears to my eyes. Because I am so grateful for Him. I am so grateful for His care, His love, and His provision. I don't deserve it, but I so desperately want it. Its hard for me to accept his love, because it seems so unbelievable to me that He would choose to give it to me. But I know that He did choose me, He chose me as His daughter. And so I will ask Him to help me believe and accept His free love, when my doubting heart tells me I need to earn it.

And this is the song that I have had on repeat for a long time :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXsiWoyjw60

A brand new life is calling and I owe it all to grace

I just finished a book where the author was telling a story about a hike she went on. She said the trail through thorn bushes, swamps, and mud was a difficult one, but it was all worth it when she reached the her destination. She ended up on a cliff overlooking her whole journey, and the view from the top was incredible.

That story hit me like a ton of bricks. Because that’s my life. My life before Christ was a journey through mud and thorns and swamps. But finally accepting Jesus as my savior, looking back over the long hike, it was all worth it.

At the time, those difficult situations seemed like swamps, looking back, they were stepping stones. Its funny how time can really change your perspective. Years back, in the midst of hardship I only felt despair, from where I am now I no longer feel shame or guilt.

Because I’m on the other side, I see how God has beautifully worked everything together and I feel hopeful.
 Hosea 6:1

“Come, let us return to the Lord; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.

Because I know the ending point is beautiful, I can look back on the journey with peace. Now that I see Gods redemptive power in my life, the past no longer seems so daunting.

The darkness of the past no longer matters because the future is so much brighter than I ever could have imagined. Because of the brightness that surrounds me I can look back and laugh where I used to cringe.

Jeremiah 30:17

For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, declares the Lord, because they have called you an outcast: ‘It is Zion, for whom no one cares!’

God is full of promises and He will never ever ever break a promise. My God is a God of restoration. What a beautiful promise.

Looking back is reassuring. You can say to yourself, “Look how faithful God has been to bring me this far. How could I doubt that He will carry me the rest of the way through?” He has been faithful before, He will be faithful again.

God has brought me so far, but there is still so much further for me to go! Sometimes its hard to see that I’m standing in victory, sometimes all I see is defeat. But I know that God wont leave me here.

Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

I no longer look back and see regret

Now I look back and see God creating beauty out of chaos.

I see God supplying love where there was none
I see God softening the hardest of hearts
I see God bringing strength where there used to only be fear
I see God bringing peace and driving out worry and anxiety.

But most of all…

I see God bringing healing where gaping wounds lie
I see God making whole what was shattered
And I see God restoring and redeeming all that had been lost

Out of the ashes we rise.

Song Recommendation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yd9VEgsM2G4