Choosing to believe truth

I am so thankful for women in my life who speak truth to me. I am so thankful for a God who constantly showers me in truth. I am a huge feeler who feels things very deeply so it’s easy for me to get carried away with the way I am feeling even if its irrational or untrue. I need people to remind me and to ground me.

The Lord used something amazing to speak to me. I was thinking about a couple of people that I minister to and I was frustrated and thought, “I can tell you about Jesus until I’m blue in the face but ultimately you have to make a choice and I cant make it for you.” No matter how badly I desire for these people to know truth, I can’t force them to.

And I heard God speak these words to me, “Kaitlyn, those are the very same words that I’m speaking to you. I can speak words of truth over you but at some point you have to choose whether or not to believe them. At some point you have to decide that you are going to believe what I’ve said about you, about who I am, and about how I love you.” And If I desire so much for those I love to know and live out truth, how much more does my Father in Heaven desire that I live out of a place of truth and not of emotion?

In life it’s not about what you may feel or not feel at the moment, it’s about making a choice. No one else can make it for you. Others can preach to you, remind you, and encourage you, but only you can decide to live based on truth. You are the one who has to surrender your will. You are the only who has to die to self again and again and again. You are the one who gets to decide that you will live in victory and not defeat.

God has made me someone who feels things deeply and is sensitive and emotional and perceptive. Sometimes I dislike this about myself but I see how God uses these parts of me to make me more compassionate and that He is going to use this in my ministry as a counselor.

But the devil also knows about this part of me. And one of the things he does to trip me up is to make me think that the way that I’m feeling is truth, even if it’s not. This can be damaging because it sows discouragement, insecurity, and indecisiveness.  

I’m not saying emotions are bad, emotions are good things but we need to carefully hold them up to the word of God and see whether or not they are true. We need to not RELY on them, but we need to rely on God’s truth. If the way I am feeling is based off of a lie that the enemy just fed me, then I am not living in a place of freedom and truth. The devil sows discouragement, condemnation, and all sorts of ugly lies. I refuse to let his lies dictate how I feel.

Living based on how you are feeling is not only deceptive it is incredibly exhausting. And I’m too exhausted to do this for even one more day. Tomorrow I am going to get up early and let my knees hit the floor. And if my selfish flesh that wants another hour of sleep wins out, I’m going to get up the next morning and try again. Satan lies and says, “You couldn’t do it yesterday, what makes you think you can do it today? You’ll never be able to do it.” And pretty soon we have given up trying entirely. 

But I’m not going to try out of my own strength because I have seen that fail too many times. I am going to ask God for His supernatural power to wake up because I am confident that His power in me can do that which I am not capable of on my own. I am realizing that pride comes from basing outcomes on my ability or inability. The place of return is the cross of Christ, not a commitment to try harder.

I need to focus more on God and what He can do through me instead of what I can or cannot do. He must become greater and I must become lesser.

I appreciate so much that even though the way we feel changes rapidly, God’s truth never changes. In a whirlwind of emotion, He is the one steady, solid rock that always brings clarity and peace.

I am choosing to declare that what God says is true even if I might not always feel like believing it. I am choosing to believe that He loves me and has good plans for my life. I am choosing to believe that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I am choosing to believe that His grace is sufficient for my weakness.

I am choosing to believe truth.

Learning to surrender all

Without fail, whenever I hear the song, “I surrender all” tears spring to my eyes. 

This song reminds me of a little ten year old girl standing in the sanctuary of Calvary Philadelphia week after week hearing that same melody softly start to play as the pastor began an alter call. My knees shook and my fingers tightly gripped the wooden bench in front of me. 

I stood torn between longing to walk down that long aisle and surrender all to a God that the pastor said loved me and my fear that this God wasn’t looking for someone like me. 

Looking around I saw people crying and others making that long walk and I wished desperately that I could have what they had found but I didn’t know how. But something about that song reached in and grabbed my heart and gave a mighty tug. 

Every single week that tug came and it only seemed to get stronger. But my fears and my doubts and my misconceptions about who He was convinced me to shove that tug away and pretend that I didn’t feel it. When in reality I had never felt anything more deeply. 

I'm giving You my heart, all that is within, I lay it all down, for the sake of You my King.

I'm giving You my dreams, laying down my rights I'm giving up my pride, for the promise of new life

When my dad asked how I liked the service I would shrug, not knowing how to explain the battle that happened inside my heart every week. Whenever I went to church when I was young the service bored me and I would be half asleep, having not heard a word the pastor said. But as soon as the worship leader started to play that song my heart would suddenly start racing.

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross and all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss

For the sake of knowing You, for the glory of Your name, to know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

When I heard that line, "I'm waiting at the cross," I always pictured Jesus waiting beside the cross, waiting for me to come. I wish I had come sooner.

 I know now that tug was God pursuing me and pulling me towards Him. He gave me a choice. To walk towards Him or to walk away from Him. But I didn’t know Him, I didn’t know He was good and safe and kind and loving. I’m sure I was told all of those things but my heart wasn’t ready to believe it. And so I chose to go my own way. But He waited. 

And while He waited He kept pursuing me. I remember being in the car with my dad and a christian song would come on the radio. With panic I recognized that little tug, and, heart racing, I quickly changed the station.

I thought, "Don't believe there's a God who loves you and who wants to save you and make you new. Don't get your hopes up." 

And so He waited some more.

And sitting on the floor of a young life camp some eight years later a song started playing and I felt that tug again. Except this time I was ready. Living life my way for all those years had brought me to a place of emptiness where all I had left to hope in was Him. 

I still didn’t have any answers and I was still just as confused and hurt as I was when I was ten. I still wasn’t entirely convinced that He was good and safe and kind and loving but I knew that I had to find out for myself.

 By that time I knew enough to realize that nothing could save me but Him. I still didn’t know what it meant to surrender, all I knew was to cling to Jesus for dear life.

 Last night I laid in bed listening to music as I tried to fall asleep. And our song came on. And I felt that tug. That tug that says, “Move closer, come near, I’m waiting.” And all I can do is say thank you. I think of that little girl and I say, "Thank you Jesus, thank you for waiting for me. And thank you Jesus because for twenty two years (whether I knew it or not) you never left my side."

And I surrender all to You, all to You
And I surrender all to You, all to You

To Have Courage

A good friend of mine recently bought this picture for me because I told her how much I love it. I love the way that the word courage has broken out of the darkness into this beautiful bright color. I love the splatters and the random colors everywhere. Courage is messy. I wouldn't define courage as standing tall completely confident and unafraid. No, courage means taking one tiny terrified step of obedience after another. 

I love the word courage. Not that I have courage, but that always I've needed it. And God always provides it. Not that he provides courage by removing fear, but courage comes from knowing that He is holding my hand through everything. Knowing that the Lord of heaven and earth has a secure grip on me. A grip that neither living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable, or absolutely anything else will ever be able to loosen. Courage doesn't mean that you are never afraid. It means that while trembling in fear, you still do the thing you think you cannot do. 

Sometimes when I say, "God, I'm too afraid to do that."

 He says, "Then do it afraid. I'll be with you." He doesn't ask for absolute courage, just absolute obedience. 

When I say, "God, I'm afraid," He doesn't offer me a million reasons why I shouldn't be afraid and why my fear is irrational. He knows me better than that. All He says is, "I'm here." And that's enough. And He reminds me that there has never been a single moment in my life that He has EVER left my side. 

Looking at this art helps me remember that God gave me courage yesterday so I know He will give me courage again today. Looking back over every part of my life I remember He gave me courage then so I know He will give me courage now. 

I've learned a lot about courage. I've learned that courage means you dare to show your whole heart. Courage means you trust anyway, you try anyway, you love anyway. That no matter how many times the world tells you that you can't, you rise up because your God has told you that you can. Courage means trying even if you're afraid you will fail. Courage means choosing to see the good even when everything is falling apart. Courage means choosing to believe God's truth despite what you may be feeling. 

We need a lot of courage to live in the world today. Thankfully our God is an endless supplier of courage. Sometimes the most courage that we can manage is to be able to ask God for courage. And God loves when we come to Him, trembling in fear and ask to be made courageous. He loves when we bring our weakness and inability because thats when His power is made perfect. Sometimes courage means surrendering to God's will for your life. Sometimes it means forgiving someone, sometimes it means asking for forgiveness. Whatever courage looks like for you at this point in your life, know that we have a God who loves to encourage and strengthen us and fill us with His courage.

Joshua 1:9 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Come to Me- Bethel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xT_bj2qBfoI