Learning to surrender all

Without fail, whenever I hear the song, “I surrender all” tears spring to my eyes. 

This song reminds me of a little ten year old girl standing in the sanctuary of Calvary Philadelphia week after week hearing that same melody softly start to play as the pastor began an alter call. My knees shook and my fingers tightly gripped the wooden bench in front of me. 

I stood torn between longing to walk down that long aisle and surrender all to a God that the pastor said loved me and my fear that this God wasn’t looking for someone like me. 

Looking around I saw people crying and others making that long walk and I wished desperately that I could have what they had found but I didn’t know how. But something about that song reached in and grabbed my heart and gave a mighty tug. 

Every single week that tug came and it only seemed to get stronger. But my fears and my doubts and my misconceptions about who He was convinced me to shove that tug away and pretend that I didn’t feel it. When in reality I had never felt anything more deeply. 

I'm giving You my heart, all that is within, I lay it all down, for the sake of You my King.

I'm giving You my dreams, laying down my rights I'm giving up my pride, for the promise of new life

When my dad asked how I liked the service I would shrug, not knowing how to explain the battle that happened inside my heart every week. Whenever I went to church when I was young the service bored me and I would be half asleep, having not heard a word the pastor said. But as soon as the worship leader started to play that song my heart would suddenly start racing.

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross and all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss

For the sake of knowing You, for the glory of Your name, to know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

When I heard that line, "I'm waiting at the cross," I always pictured Jesus waiting beside the cross, waiting for me to come. I wish I had come sooner.

 I know now that tug was God pursuing me and pulling me towards Him. He gave me a choice. To walk towards Him or to walk away from Him. But I didn’t know Him, I didn’t know He was good and safe and kind and loving. I’m sure I was told all of those things but my heart wasn’t ready to believe it. And so I chose to go my own way. But He waited. 

And while He waited He kept pursuing me. I remember being in the car with my dad and a christian song would come on the radio. With panic I recognized that little tug, and, heart racing, I quickly changed the station.

I thought, "Don't believe there's a God who loves you and who wants to save you and make you new. Don't get your hopes up." 

And so He waited some more.

And sitting on the floor of a young life camp some eight years later a song started playing and I felt that tug again. Except this time I was ready. Living life my way for all those years had brought me to a place of emptiness where all I had left to hope in was Him. 

I still didn’t have any answers and I was still just as confused and hurt as I was when I was ten. I still wasn’t entirely convinced that He was good and safe and kind and loving but I knew that I had to find out for myself.

 By that time I knew enough to realize that nothing could save me but Him. I still didn’t know what it meant to surrender, all I knew was to cling to Jesus for dear life.

 Last night I laid in bed listening to music as I tried to fall asleep. And our song came on. And I felt that tug. That tug that says, “Move closer, come near, I’m waiting.” And all I can do is say thank you. I think of that little girl and I say, "Thank you Jesus, thank you for waiting for me. And thank you Jesus because for twenty two years (whether I knew it or not) you never left my side."

And I surrender all to You, all to You
And I surrender all to You, all to You

Feeling World Weary

The other night I was feeling tired. Not tired physically, I was feeling world weary. 

You know, those days when all that you see around you in the world is loss and brokenness and sin and your heart has just been weighed down too far. The kind of day that makes you ask, "God, where are you? Don't you care? Don't you see?" 

The days when you can't remember how to not take all the hurt of the world into yourself. Days when you hear stories of slavery and exploitation and abuse in faraway countries and your stomach drops and you grasp for some finite way to help and come up empty. When you long to reach out and embrace and comfort and speak words of truth, but your arms can't reach that far. 

Driving home a couple of nights ago I heard these words on the radio and they said everything I was feeling. This time your heart has had enough, sick and tired of everything that's so messed up.

Do you ever just get so tired of living in this world that has fallen so far? I recently heard the story of a little girl in Latin America who was abused. And I wish more than anything that I could tell her face to face of the infinite value and worth she has as God's precious daughter. I wish I could tell her that God made her for so much more than to be used to satisfy someone's selfish desires. 

God is so good to me. He is the ultimate comforter, my ultimate comforter. In moments like this He draws Himself closer so that we can grieve together in agreement. I so love that God never rushes me through sorrow or demands my joy. He gave me almost two days to feel sad before He greeted me with words of comfort and truth. 

A lot of times when we're sad we don't want people to try to comfort us or give us nice answers. We just want someone to be sad with us, and thats what God did for me. 

He most often ministers to me through music. Today He met me in a quiet place with a song whose words speak to my soul and reach my heart. 

I asked, "God where are you?" And He answered,
I am the Lord your God, I go before you now. 
I stand beside you, I'm all around you.
Though you feel I'm far away, I'm closer than your breath.
I am with you, more than you know

God asked me why I feel the need to carry the weight of the world when it is He who is my peace.

I am the Lord your peace, no evil will conquer you.
 Steady now your heart and mind, come into My rest. 
Oh, let your faith arise, lift up your weary head. 
I am with you wherever you go
. Don't look to the right or to the left but keep your eyes on Me. 
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved. I am the hand to hold

One  thing that spoke to me the most was the line, "Come into my rest." 

Don't we rush around trying to be everything, do everything, fix everything? We feel like we need all the answers. But God gently invites us to come away with Him to a quiet place. To come into His rest and experience His peace. 

Resting in His peace I feel like I can keep on loving in this crazy, messed up world. That I can start looking for the good in bad situations. That in depravity, I can look for reasons to be thankful. 

That doesn't mean my heart no longer feels the hurts of our world. It means that I can take all of that hurt to my heavenly Father whose arms DO reach far enough to wrap around the whole world. My God's arms wrap around the orphan and the widow, the hopeless and helpless, the broken, the lost, and afraid. I can take all of the hurt to my God who is in the process of redeeming everything. 

What is there in your life that is pulling you down? What is God asking you to bring to Him?